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Abatis: Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside. What you have to get by on if you don’t kiss-up to the boss; 4. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous; 2. That period when children feel their parents should be told the facts of life; 6. Bison: What you say when your child leaves for school Bison Slider: What you might have to eat if Mc Donald’s finds out you’re copying its burger. A wager as in, “I bit you can’t spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways”; 2. Bladder: The human apparatus that pays the tax on beer. Blameless: A person who has obviously never been married. Usage: “Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday.” Blew: Colour of the wind. Bloatware: Computer software that takes up a large amount of memory but has, in proportion to the space it takes up, minimal functionality. No point in washing it - just blow it off and put it back in the silverware drawer. Blurricane: A natural disaster that moves too fast to be seen clearly. An old computer so useless that it needs to go to sea. Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.” Bobbleheading: The mass nod of agreement by participants in a meeting to comments made by the boss even though most have no idea what he/she just said. Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker. A person who opens his mouth and puts his foot in it. Braille-iant: Of or pertaining to the Joe-kster’s work to help out Blind people (i.e. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. Brandy: A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-destruction and four parts clarified Satan. The drink of heroes - only a hero will venture to drink it. Brisbane: A perfectly reasonable explanation (such as one offered by a person with a gurgling cough which has nothing to do with the fact that they smoke 50 cigarettes a day). British Museum: The most magnificent collection of stolen antiquities in the world. High-mindedness which has been flattened by experience; 3. Conservation: A state of harmony between men and land. A man who acts impulsively after thinking for a long time; 2. Consult: To seek another’s approval of a course already decided upon. Abalemma: The agonizing situation in which there is only one possible decision but you still can’t take it. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing an employer. What will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter; 3. Actress: A person who works hard at not being herself. That period when a boy refuses to believe that someday he’ll be as dubm as his father; 5. Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men. Birthday: Anniversary of one’s birth, observed only by men and children. as practiced by socially correct women who have attended classes on the subject in tandem with their sensitive mates. Bishop’s Caundle: An opening gambit before a game of chess whereby the missing pieces are replaced by small ornaments from the mantelpiece. Blowtensil: A utensil, such as a spoon or knife, set at the table but not used during the meal. Blues Singer: Someone who makes every day sound like Yom Kippur. Blunt Person: One who says what he thinks without thinking. Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money. Thrown out when you need it, and taken in when you don’t; 2. Bra: Decoration draped by your wife over the shower curtain rod in the bathroom. A person who starts out telling white lies and soon grows colour blind; 2. That bodily organ which starts working the moment you awake and does not stop until you get into the office. A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; 2. What a man looks for in a woman after he’s looked at everything else; 3. Brilliant Epigram: A solemn platitude gone to a masquerade ball. The ability to smile when you suddenly discover that your roommate and your girlfriend are both missing from the dance floor; 2. The thing that hurts when everything else feels so good; 18: What makes you worry about what it couldn’t stop you from doing; 19. Conscientious Woman: One who never breaks a confidence without first imposing the strictest secrecy. Consul: In American politics, a person who, having failed to secure an office from the people, is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.

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The time when everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work. A poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. Ambleside: The talk given about the Facts Of Life by a father to his son whilst walking in the garden on a Sunday afternoon. A shuttle between a speeding motorcycle and a wheelchair; 2. Ashdod: Any object against which a smoker habitually knocks out his pipe. Ast: (Southern) To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks information about illegal moonshine stills. It makes me mad.” Asteroid: Mathematical name for a toilet seat. Astronaut: A whirled traveller - the only man who is glad to be down and out. Astrovertisement: An advertisement fashioned on the earth’s surface, of such a size that it can be picked up by satellite imaging. The religion devoted to the worship of one’s own smug sense of superiority; 2. Auditor: A person who goes in after the war is lost to bayonet the wounded. A book that proves that the only thing wrong with its author is his memory; 2. Average Person: One who thinks someone else is the average person. An eligible mass of obstinacy entirely surrounded by suspicion; 27. Something that’s so reasonable they won’t take it back when you find out what’s wrong with it; 6. An outward gift, which is seldom despised, except by those to whom it has been refused; 3. Beccles: The small bone buttons placed in bacon sandwiches by unemployed dentists. Beehive: An order given by bees to their misbehaving children. Carbonated, malt-based, alcohol beverage which, when drunk in quantity, will keep your husband chubby, out of shape, slow witted, gassy and sexually unappealing. Belper: A knob of someone else’s chewing gum which you unexpectedly find your hand resting on under the passenger seat of your car or on somebody’s thigh under their skirt. Acting is all about honesty - if you can fake that, you’ve got it made. A guy who, if you ain’t talking about him, he ain’t listening; 2. A man with an infinite capacity for taking praise; 4. A man who can walk to the side of a stage, peer into the wings filled with dust, other actors, stagehands, old clothes and other claptrap, and say, “What a lovely view there is from this window.”; 6. Administratium: Another of the heaviest elements known to man (see also Governmentium). That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking; 2. Admiration: Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves. A period in which girls try to make little boys stop asking questions, and big boys begin; 3. Blowing Your Buffer: Losing one’s train of thought. The Bozone Layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Bridge Partner: A person who is undesirable if he has a one-trick mind. A place where people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t need to impress people they don’t like. A trait that gets a lot of credit that belongs to cold feet; 16. Coverage: To pretend to be older or younger than you are. An art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing; 2. ADA: Something you need only know the name of to be an expert in computing. Provider of decisio Administratiumns that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. An independent state, highly taxing yet often insolvent, located just beyond comprehension; 2. Blotter: Something you look for while the ink dries. Bozone Layer: The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. A game in which a wife is always eager to do her husband’s bidding. Bronchitis: Fear of the Broncos winning the Super Bowl again. Something that makes you tell your mother before your sister does; 15. Cousin: The relative most likely to be responsible for your trouble. Adder: A species of snakes named from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living. Brute Force: When your brain doesn’t work, just keep beating on the problem until one of you dies. Telling your money where to go instead of wondering where it went; 7. Budgeting: The most orderly way of going into debt. An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. Bulldozing: Going to sleep during a political speech. Parish information, read only during the homily; 2. by injecting it into underground geological formations). Careerism: The widespread belief that life offers nothing so sublime as the opportunity to climb two or three steps up the corporate pyramid over a period of forty years. One who looks in both directions when he passes a red light; 2. A group which is often immobilized by greedlock; 5. Connoisseur: One who attains an obsessive knowledge of wines, audio equipment, cats or French cheeses so as to confer a sense of inadequacy on those who would simply enjoy them. A device that doesn’t keep you from doing anything - just keeps you from enjoying it; 2. An inner voice that warns us somebody is watching; 4. Something that feels terrible when everything else feels great; 6. CPU: Central Propulsion Unit - the computer’s engine. A person who only has a few words to say, but seldom stops when he has said them; 4. The highest possible longitude and the lowest possible platitude. Afternoon: The part of the day spent figuring how we wasted the morning. Afterthought: A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it. Assembly Line: The notion that if a job is worth doing, it’s worth repeating 9,876 times a day. Associate Producer: About the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. Athlete: A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift ashes. Old auctioneers never die - they just look forbidding.. An unrivaled vehicle for telling the truth about other people; 6. Man’s effort to make work so easy that women can do it all. Average Joe: Guys who have nothing better in their lives than to read joe-ks @ … A man who’d rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck; 15. A man who plays the field without ever fielding the play; 19. A man who, when he accomplishes something, gets all the credit himself; 21. A man who would rather wash a pair of socks than a sink full of dishes; 25. Bamboozle: To convince an angler to purchase a bamboo fishing rod. Bananosecond: Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement. Something you can’t use, at a price you can’t resist; 4. A game many enjoy more than football because they don’t need a college education to get tickets; 4. Beach Erosion: A case of bad tidings Beans: Actor’s caviar. Beaulieu Hill: The optimum vantage point from which to view people undressing in the bedroom across the street. Benevolence: The distinguishing characteristic of man. Beppu: The triumphant slamming shut of a book after reading the final page. Big Bang: The primordial slap on the backside of the newborn universe. Big Gun: Frequently an individual of small calibre and immense bore. Airflow: Condition of a car created by putting the wife in the back seat. Antiques: 1: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people; 2. See also most of the information the government tells you. Back-Up: Recommended if you meet a skunk in the woods.

Backbite: To speak of a man as you find him when he can’t find you.

A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of wealth of power. Someone who would rather have a small role than a long loaf; 7. Actor’s Agent: A guy who sometimes bites the ham who feeds him. Admissions Office: Where you’re taken to admit that you’ve mooned the keynote speaker during ’new student weekend.’ Admonition: 1. A period in which children begin to question the answers; 4. Biscuit Dough: A primitive adhesive used extensively and successfully by brides to prevent loss of their wedding bands. Blonde Joe-ks: Joe-ks that are short so men can understand them. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. Boaster: A person with whom it is sooner done than said. BP: Company in Gulf of Mexico that turns your barbecue into a tarbecue. The thing you are forced to use if you haven’t much formal education; 3. What a man looks for in a wife, after not using any in selecting one; 2. Briefcase: A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party. An inner voice that warns us somebody is looking; 17. Consciousness-Raising: The fine art of teaching well-adjusted citizens to view themselves as victims of oppression.

Aboriginies: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. Absecon: An annual conference held at the Cobalt Hotel, Vancouver, for people who haven’t got any other conferences to go to. When a boy has reached the state when he knows why a strapless gown must be held up, but doesn’t understand how; 9. That which makes you think you’ve longed all your life for something you never even heard of; 2. The fine art of making you think you have longed all your life for something you never heard of before; 4. The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. Something which we give by the bushel but take by the grain; 2. Bathing Suit, Modern: Two bandannas and a worried look. A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning; 2. A man whom few care to see but many ask to call again. Book Censor: A person who reads so much he gets asterisks in front of his eyes. The guy who watches the clock during the coffee break; 4. Bowling Alley: A quiet place of amusement where you can hear a pin drop. A jobless person who shows executives how to work; 3. The only person who can do what everyone else would like to do - pat himself on the back. Core Storage: A receptacle for the center section of apples. Coronary Bypass: When the king’s youngest son is crowned instead of the eldest. Corporal: As high as you go and still have friends. Coupe D’Etat: The forcible takeover of a government by someone in a 2-door car.

Air Conditioning: An invention for sucking the warmth out of the sensuous summer air, so that we might shiver in July and work through the season without dreaming of hammocks or lemonade. Algebra: Undergarment worn by female math teachers. Something which enables a woman to profit by her mistakes; 19. American Idealism: Being willing to make any sacrifice that won’t hurt business. Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. Something too old to be anything but too expensive. ) Usage: See “Rats” Arguing With A Woman: There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Something that gets better when you don’t have facts; 3. Arrow Margin: Milestone for an Archery contest winner. Arsonist: A person who sets the world on fire, at least in a small way. A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable; 42. A man who can take women or leave them, and prefers to do both; 44. Bachelors: Married men may have better halves, but bachelors have better quarters. Backward Nation: One that hasn’t tried to borrow money from the U.

Air Traffic Control: A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. Algorithm: The Vice President of the Unites States of America attempting to sing doo-wop. Alien: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself. Another war debt a lot of husbands would like to see cancelled; 3. American Way: Using instant coffee to dawdle away an hour. Ant: A small insect that, though always at work, still finds time to go to picnics. Antique Collector’s Song: “You take the highboy and I’ll take the lowboy. Apocalipstick: What your wife found on your shirt collar just before she kicked you out of the house. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet; 4. Arse Antlers: A tattoo just above the buttocks, having a central section and curving extensions on each side. Fire caused by friction between the insurance policy and the mortgage; 2. A young man who has perfected the delicate art of avoiding the issue; 45. Back: That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.

Buffet Dinner: Where the hostess doesn’t have enough chairs for everybody. What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny screen for more than 15 minutes; 2. timber from forests), or by storing it in sealed reservoirs (i.e. One who is more interested in plots and plans than in pots and pans; 3. Career Woman: One who goes out and earns a man’s salary instead of sitting at home and taking it away from him. Carperpetuation: The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. A floor covering that is bought by the yard and worn by the foot; 2. Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes. Casserole: A method used by ingenious cooks to get rid of leftover leftovers. Conflusion: What the public feels in response to an endless stream of contradictory news about H1N1 influenza. Confushion: A chaotic dissarray where everyone feels very safe and secure. A strange forum where people get up and speak, nobody listens, and then everyone disagrees at the top of their lungs; 4. CPR: An emergency exercise that helps concerned onlookers feel useful while the victim expires.